I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
