i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
