this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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