I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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