Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
