I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
