my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bring me that man meat
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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