apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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