Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
