you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
