You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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