I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
