and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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