i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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