I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sorry about my life...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
