I want to walk on stilts...naked
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
