i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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