guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
