The maid of honor just puked.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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