So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
