There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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