we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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