Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
