I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
