I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.