i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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