i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
