Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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