so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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