Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
