Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
