You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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