I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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