Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
