Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
