Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is