i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
