i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I die, sorry about rent.