so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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