I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
