I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
