If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
