He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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