Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
