How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
