how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
