She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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