; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
