When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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