nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
