I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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