I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
