Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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