i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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